7
Aug

A Year Without Mom

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About once a month Mom and I would travel to Utah to visit my grandmother. During one of these trips, I snapped a picture of her driving.

I’m so glad I did.

I cherish the memories made during our 5 hour treks to Utah. We belly laughed, or cried, or sang along with our favorite tunes. Mostly we just talked. I love how we always filled up the entire 5 hours there and 5 hours back, our voices mingling.

We never sat in silence.

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It’s been the hardest year of my life. I’m not sure why some people live long lives and others leave us before we think they should. All I know is that I miss her. I didn’t realize that it was possible to miss a person so much.

I’ve always appreciated my mother. Never once did I take for granted just how much she meant to me. I honestly thought that I would not survive in this world without her.

The day she died is a bit of a blur but parts of it still stand out so clearly. I remember lying in bed that night, I couldn’t sleep. The events of the day played over and over in my head…I tried to save her in my mind…if I just would’ve showed up an hour earlier. I could not comprehend how I was alive and she was not. I honestly did not know how to live without her. I wasn’t even sure if I could smile or laugh again. 

I just kept on living.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

And I did smile again.

And I did laugh again.

Many times I would picture her saying things like:

“See Christie, you’re stronger than you ever thought you could be.”

 “See Christie, you can do more than you ever imagined you could.”

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I miss her. I miss her advice, her praise, her hugs, her laugh, her cooking, the smell of her hair. I miss the way she loved me and the way she loved my children and husband. I miss watching her write in her notebooks and tease my dad. I miss our inside jokes and the strength she could give me just by hearing her voice. I miss our phone calls. I miss movies and lunches with her and my sister. I miss craft days with the girls. I miss hearing her sing to her grandchildren.

I miss our trips to Utah.

I know I will see my mother again, sometimes this knowledge is the only thing that gets me through the day. I will hear her laughter again and feel her arms around me.

For now I will go on living my life and feel all the joy this world has to offer, I know it’s what she wants. I love her so much.

XOXO,
Christie

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